May 27, 2011: In a not-unexpected expansion, Facebook today re-defined its legal term “Facebook users” as “any human being alive on the planet Earth” and released a new User Agreement that, according to legal experts, now effectively governs major aspects of all human life.
Effective July 1, 2011, the simple act of being alive equals agreement to Facebook’s terms.
In an effort to appear slightly more friendly and accessible, Facebook also released the following list of highlights to give users a general sense of what to expect starting July 1:
Personal Events: Users must register all significant personal events with Facebook within 48 hours of occurrence. Failure to do so gives Facebook the right to erase said events from the matrix of the space-time continuum.
Friendships: Any friendship not listed on Facebook does not exist. Anyone attempting to carry on a non-Facebook-approved friendship will be subject to a $1000 per-interaction fine to be paid directly and automatically via the direct-deposit-to-Facebook already set up for anyone who has a bank account anywhere. There is a maximum yearly fine of 2 million dollars per person.
Communication Length: All communication between users, whether verbal or written, must be 425 characters or less per statement unless users have installed a special Facebook app directly into their brain that will expand the character limit to 700. Any communication that exceeds the allowed limits will be subject to a $1000 fine per occurrence, not to exceed 8 million dollars per person per year, to be paid automatically via the direct deposit link already set up between all users’ bank accounts and Facebook’s coffers.
Asked to comment on the new rules governing all human life on Terra, Earth’s planetary spokesmodel Britnie Stone said: “Facebooks ok. I was hoping for Twitter. At least its not google”
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