Facebook Announces New Rules for All Human Life

May 27, 2011: In a not-unexpected expansion, Facebook today re-defined its legal term “Facebook users” as “any human being alive on the planet Earth” and released a new User Agreement that, according to legal experts, now effectively governs major aspects of all human life.

Effective July 1, 2011, the simple act of being alive equals agreement to Facebook’s terms.

Facebook’s Expanded User Agreement/Terms of Use: Highlights

Facebook has encouraged all users, new and continuing, to read carefully through the 1100-page single-spaced User Agreement/Terms of Use document posted online on their site. The company warns that users will be governed by these terms regardless of whether they have read through the document, as they have already agreed to the Facebook user terms by being alive.

In an effort to appear slightly more friendly and accessible, Facebook also released the following list of highlights to give users a general sense of what to expect starting July 1:

Personal Events: Users must register all significant personal events with Facebook within 48 hours of occurrence. Failure to do so gives Facebook the right to erase said events from the matrix of the space-time continuum.

Friendships: Any friendship not listed on Facebook does not exist. Anyone attempting to carry on a non-Facebook-approved friendship will be subject to a $1000 per-interaction fine to be paid directly and automatically via the direct-deposit-to-Facebook already set up for anyone who has a bank account anywhere. There is a maximum yearly fine of 2 million dollars per person.

Relationships: All romantic relationships are subject to the same terms as Friendships and Personal Events as described above and further elucidated in the full User Agreement/Terms of Use document. In addition, religious institutions and local, regional and national governments no longer have any oversight or power over marriage licenses, divorces or child custody. Starting on July 1, 2011, all marriage and family law will be administered under Facebook’s User Agreement/Terms of Use Section 12, paragraphs 2-6.

Communication Length: All communication between users, whether verbal or written, must be 425 characters or less per statement unless users have installed a special Facebook app directly into their brain that will expand the character limit to 700. Any communication that exceeds the allowed limits will be subject to a $1000 fine per occurrence, not to exceed 8 million dollars per person per year, to be paid automatically via the direct deposit link already set up between all users’ bank accounts and Facebook’s coffers.

Content Rights: Users grant Facebook a royalty-free, universe-wide license to use and/or modify as they see fit any content associated with being a Facebook user, which means any content associated with being alive (as discussed in the User Agreement/Terms of Use document and only barely highlighted in this list; for a full explanation, see Facebook Terms of Use Section 42, paragraphs 1 through 226). This license ends when you terminate your life or have it externally terminated, but any content you have shared with others remains available for Facebook to use until those others die (and so on).

For more information, please read the full User Agreement/Terms of Use document posted on Facebook – and remember, failure to read it is nothing more than ignorance of the law, and thus is no excuse for non-compliance.

Asked to comment on the new rules governing all human life on Terra, Earth’s planetary spokesmodel Britnie Stone said: “Facebooks ok. I was hoping for Twitter. At least its not google”

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