Spokespeople for the world wide web today held a press conference to announce that the internet has been diagnosed with a rare, unusual and fast-spreading form of virtual cancer that has wide-ranging and debilitating effects.
The cancer, known as librocaraoma, involves the rapid proliferation of blue or blue-grey shaded squares and rectangles with the letter f and/or the letters l, i, k and e on them (known as f-cells). Easily visible without a microscope, these distinctive cells invade websites under the guise of friendly assistance, multiplying across the web more quickly than the human eye can track.
Promising increased exposure and popularity, the blue-grey f-invaders usually manage to completely bypass the web’s normal immune system response of “What the freaking hell are YOU? Go away!” and become entrenched inside all aspects of websites, from sign-in boxes to blog posts to regular site pages – and beyond. One of the most unusual aspects of librocaraoma is that the spread of f-cells functions exclusively to divert resources back to the original site of the disease, rather than to grow new tumors in secondary sites.
Untreated, librocaraoma is fatal.
Spokespeople for the internet said that the web remains optimistic that it can beat the disease. While the diagnosis is dire and the prognosis grim, spokespeople repeatedly emphasized that the ‘net has a very positive attitude and is under the care of the very best virtual doctors. The urged those who care about the web to send positive thoughts, donate to librocaraoma research organizations, and for shit’s sake stop clicking on the little f-cells already just generally act like they care.