“I admit we had some difficulty deciding on a restaurant,” said Obama. “Bill wanted to go out somewhere in Harlem and I really wanted to eat at this divine new place in the Castro.” Obama also admitted that the pair “had some trouble deciding what to do afterward – I wanted to get our nails done and see a Broadway show and he wanted to go shoot some hoops.”

The two men reportedly resolved their differences through a compromise process that took the better part of the week and engaged a total of 11 staff members on both sides working 16-20 hour days. The process apparently succeeded, however, as the pair was seen last night eating at a Hometown Buffet in Iowa and later bowling a few sets in the corridors of a local mall.

Speaking to reporters afterwards, both Obama and Clinton seemed to be in high spirits. Punching Obama playfully in the arm, Clinton tried and largely failed to speak Ebonics to an increasingly puzzled black EMT trying to care for several injured mall goers, while Obama’s high-energy efforts to look interested in buying new shoes were awarded a meager 1.5 by the panel of Olympic judges who just happened to be on hand.

“I don’t see anything surreal about any of it,” said Terry Johnson, a local resident. “I think the nation should let them have their fun. My straight white guy friends and I have boys nights out all the time.”

• Being black
• Being tall
• Problematic self-representation on Facebook and Twitter
• Possibly having something to do with pot at some point
• Defending himself from an angry racist cop-wannabe with a gun who was stalking him

and other crimes associated with being human and/or not wanting to die.

After the guilty verdict was declared, Mr. Martin was sentenced to death by unhinged vigilante unofficial neighborhood watch patrolman. No further action was necessary, as the sentence had already been carried out in a preemptive strike, code name “Sure, Feel Free to Kill Anyone At Any Time as Long As They’re Black Stand Your Ground”

Introducing: Who’s on Top? ™ – a Thatz Effed Up exclusive

When it comes to polls and actual election results, all eyes have been on Mitt Romney. Pundits, bloggers and medium-sized beagles everywhere have pointed out that – against everyone’s better judgement – Mr. Romney has already been elected “Most Likely to Lose to Barack Obama in 2012″ by the voting public.

*Yawn*

Sure, Mittens will win the nomination. But who cares? The real action this election season comes from below, as Rick Santorum tops Rick Perry over … and over … and over again.

We asked our own experts: is Perry really comfortable on the bottom, or is he getting ready to switch it up and come out on top sometime soon?

According to Thatz Effed Up political correspondent Todd McNabb, Perry is unlikely to rise very far. “Based on what I’ve heard, and you know I’ve heard a lot – let me tell you honey he loves it there on the bottom. I mean, he loooves it. He starts moaning and screaming about family values and calling on Jesus Christ his Lord and Savior and it’s just … well, all I can say is, I predict he will stay on the bottom throughout the entire primary season. I mean, didn’t you see that TV ad where he went all Brokeback Mountain? Whew!”

Bob, a wrestling coach from South Bend Indiana, disagrees. “I think for now Perry will make the most of the bottom position. But as the primaries progress, I’m confident that he’ll top Santorum — no later than Super Tuesday. Right now he’s just letting that tension build and build. Look for him to come from behind with an explosive move by March 6.”

During our story research, Thatz Effed Up also received an anonymous email from “candysbrother@****.com” that read: “Who cares which Rick is on top? They’re way too focused on each other. I have an entire warehouse full of 1996 campaign paraphernalia that I’ve offered for a group event, but no one will return my calls.”

Top or bottom, the two Ricks assuredly add some much-needed meat to an otherwise substance-less exercise in existential nihilism Republican primary season. We at Thatz Effed Up are confident that the viewing public can look forward to some truly hot Republican-on-Republican political action in the months to come.