Santorum Tops Perry but Perry May Come from Behind

As the traditional news media focus their coverage on the 2012 Republican primary poll and election numbers, Thatz Effed Up brings you a hard-hitting, deep-reaching report on a far more important aspect of the political arena.

Introducing: Who’s on Top? ™ – a Thatz Effed Up exclusive

When it comes to polls and actual election results, all eyes have been on Mitt Romney. Pundits, bloggers and medium-sized beagles everywhere have pointed out that – against everyone’s better judgement – Mr. Romney has already been elected “Most Likely to Lose to Barack Obama in 2012″ by the voting public.

*Yawn*

Sure, Mittens will win the nomination. But who cares? The real action this election season comes from below, as Rick Santorum tops Rick Perry over … and over … and over again.

We asked our own experts: is Perry really comfortable on the bottom, or is he getting ready to switch it up and come out on top sometime soon?

According to Thatz Effed Up political correspondent Todd McNabb, Perry is unlikely to rise very far. “Based on what I’ve heard, and you know I’ve heard a lot – let me tell you honey he loves it there on the bottom. I mean, he loooves it. He starts moaning and screaming about family values and calling on Jesus Christ his Lord and Savior and it’s just … well, all I can say is, I predict he will stay on the bottom throughout the entire primary season. I mean, didn’t you see that TV ad where he went all Brokeback Mountain? Whew!”

Bob, a wrestling coach from South Bend Indiana, disagrees. “I think for now Perry will make the most of the bottom position. But as the primaries progress, I’m confident that he’ll top Santorum — no later than Super Tuesday. Right now he’s just letting that tension build and build. Look for him to come from behind with an explosive move by March 6.”

During our story research, Thatz Effed Up also received an anonymous email from “candysbrother@****.com” that read: “Who cares which Rick is on top? They’re way too focused on each other. I have an entire warehouse full of 1996 campaign paraphernalia that I’ve offered for a group event, but no one will return my calls.”

Top or bottom, the two Ricks assuredly add some much-needed meat to an otherwise substance-less exercise in existential nihilism Republican primary season. We at Thatz Effed Up are confident that the viewing public can look forward to some truly hot Republican-on-Republican political action in the months to come.